Aloneness. Stillness. Personal space. These are things that I yearn for at times. I think back to my pre-motherhood days when such things existed in abundance. What a different time that was. I realize, as mother to a three year old, that my body is in an ongoing state of alertness. Not just the instinctual urge to protect my child from common dangers, but actually to protect myself from him. He’s become more agile lately, and that means a lot of running and jumping, oftentimes directly at/ onto me. I never know when he’s coming! And so it’s rare that I have a chance to relax. To know I will not be jumped on, grabbed, tickled, or whatever it may be.
And yet the thing that truly pulls at me every day is…. well, me. The amount of time that I take to honor and nourish myself is minimal. My inner me is crying out for love and attention. I crave stillness.
The good news is, it exists, on a daily basis. It’s there, but in a very different way- the actual length of those “me” moments has been fractionated into mere seconds. They are fleeting. And that’s the beauty of living in the moment. It’s all right there. No, I may not have a whole day entirely to myself, but in most every moment, I am happy. I love everything that I have. I am successful, healthy, loved, self-sufficient. Everything I have wanted for so long, I have.
It’s the ebb and flow of life, of motherhood. Before I know it, my son will be more independent and not demanding so much of my attention. Just the thought of that makes me want to hold him tight and not let go of this beautiful little boy that he is right now. It’s seeing the whole picture, recognizing the greater perspective, and loving exactly where you are in it. I couldn’t imagine it any other way.